Therapy for High-Conflict Couples

in person Tacoma | online WA & UT

Confronting conflict & renewing connection. 

You can’t seem to have a single conversation without things going south.

The tension between you two is often so thick you could cut it with a knife. You’re either giving each other the cold shoulder or fighting like you’re in the Thunderdome. Sometimes you follow each other from room to room, slam doors, start packing your bags to leave the house, yell at each other, or throw things. You don’t want to be an abusive person or be in an abusive relationship, and you know that yours has crossed a line. You aren’t hearing each other—there are no conversations, only fights.

Signs your relationship is high-conflict:

  • Intense, constant bickering (sometimes fights even get physical)

  • Fights heat up quickly & never get resolved

  • You cross lines you know you shouldn’t—name calling, yelling, aggressive behavior

  • Stonewalling each other or avoiding speaking to avoid your next fight

  • Destruction of physical property, purposefully or accidentally, during conflict

  • Avoiding vulnerable topics so they won’t be used as ammunition in arguments

You know what you could be together, but it seems like a lot of work to make your relationship work. As it is, your relationship is unsustainable. And you’re right to think that it’s too much for the two of you to handle. If you’re here, you probably can’t make it work without professional help, and specifically the help of a high-conflict couple therapist.

Conflict can actually bring you closer together. You just have to learn how to fight fair.

Therapy With Me Is Different.

Therapy for high-conflict couples needs structure and guidance from an expert couple therapist. 

You’ve been hesitant to seek out help because previous couple therapy hasn’t worked, or you’re afraid that your therapist won’t be able to handle your conflict or your partner.

Most Couple Therapists…

  • Avoid interrupting someone when they’re speaking and try to be “polite”

  • Don’t directly call out inappropriate or abusive behavior, using soft language & avoiding the “elephant in the room”

  • Are afraid to go toe to toe with controlling or dominating partners for fear they will get angry & aggressive

  • Won’t set boundaries or discuss ultimatums until they are fed up with you and referring you out to another therapist, calling your relationship “toxic”

  • Are overly validating of feelings without setting clear limits with consequences to therapy and your relationship

  • Will refuse to see your relationship in therapy and will tell you to get your own therapy before doing couple therapy

  • Become passive and quiet when conflict gets out of hand

As a High-Conflict Couple Therapist, I…

  • Interrupt as often as needed, to deescalate conflict and explore the emotions driving defensive behavior

  • Take sides when necessary, clearly calling out bad behavior in specific terms

  • Confront tactics of domination and control, maintaining my position of leadership and guidance as the therapist

  • Set boundaries in therapy and give ultimatums to couples. I give warnings I may not be able to help you, if needed

  • Validate your feelings and give you another way to communicate with your partner. Certain behaviors are not acceptable, period. Couple therapy doesn’t change that

  • Welcome your chaotic relationship into my office, enthusiastic to help you

  • Am very active and vocal. I will not sit back and watch you fight. It’s not fun for me and it doesn’t help you

Two women hugging each other

It's not just about the conflicts—it's also about connection.

I’ll guide you and your partner in paying attention to each other’s feelings and body signals, so that you can catch a comment before it turns into conflict. With your partner’s help, you’ll create an "owner’s manual" for them, identifying what triggers them and what makes them feel safe—these are communication skills tailored to you, not cookie-cutter “I feel” statements from a book or blog post. You will know what do the next time things go south, rather than being terrified of losing control.

As we identify emotional triggers, sometimes childhood trauma or old relationship wounds come to the surface. These are the moments when you lose each other—one partner’s way of coping triggers the other partner’s traumatic response. I will help you both slow down and process the trauma underneath, without getting defensive with each other and hurting each other more, right when you’re the most vulnerable. You’ll learn to lean into each other rather than to be afraid of each other. You can trust that you’re safe and that your partner understands where your intense feelings and destructive behaviors come from.

Calm the Chaos Now.

Are you ready to take accountability, hear your partner out, and face your difficult feelings head-on? The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to untangle your conflict and heal. Reach out now to get started on your path to healing, together.

A Note on Abuse

High-conflict relationships are not the same as abusive relationships, but without proper understanding or background, they can look very similar. It’s important to know the difference.

High-conflict relationships typically involve ongoing, intense disagreements, arguments, and hostility between individuals, usually leading to a cycle of unresolved conflicts and emotional distress. There are often harmful behaviors from each person, making the relationship feel tumultuous and stressful.

Abuse involves one person exerting power and control over another through various forms of mistreatment, coercion, and manipulation. Unlike high-conflict relationships, where conflicts may arise from mutual disagreements, abuse is characterized by one person's deliberate actions to assert dominance, intimidate, or harm the other person.

If you regularly feel afraid of your partner, couples therapy is not safe and you’re likely in an abusive relationship. If you're unsure, but you feel safe talking to your partner, couples therapy could potentially help. Your safety and well-being are the top priority.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) is a valuable resource for individuals who suspect their relationship might be abusive and need assistance.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • If you're experiencing high levels of tension, resentment, disconnection, or arguments in your relationship and are seeking support in resolving these things, high conflict couples therapy may be beneficial for you. It's important to consider your willingness to engage in therapy and your commitment to making positive changes in your relationship. If you have more specific questions, please schedule a free consultation here.

  • Sessions are 75 minutes to provide more attention and time for your relationship. I also offer 100 minute sessions on a weekly or biweekly basis for couples that need or want extra support, as well as intensives for deeper, more accelerated progress. Click here to learn more about intensives.

  • While I work primarily with married couples, I’m very open to other relationships or couples experiencing high conflict. Please feel free to schedule a consultation here and we’ll chat a bit more about your situation.

  • I am an out of network provider for couples therapy with the relationship is diagnosed. Please see my FAQ’s page for a more detailed explanation on how your couples therapy may be covered with out of network benefits.

Turn crisis into connection.